Flying Pizza
06 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
Recovery is NOT perfect. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that it is because that is just not the truth whatsoever. I learned this little tidbit the hard way. A few years ago I went to a long-term residential eating disorder treatment facility where I stayed for the greater portion of a year. I left this facility in a great, recovery based place and I thought I had this eating disorder beat. I mean I was “perfect” at recovery, but apparently I wasn’t perfect at all at recovery because in a relatively short period of time things began to snowball on me once again and wound up in full-blown relapse–worst relapse of my life actually. What did I learn? Well, lots of things. I learned that I had to check myself back in to that same facility less than a year after my “graduation”, and that experience was both humiliating and humbling for me. So what went wrong? Well lots of things, but in reality I just started fudging my meal plan, using symptoms, isolating, and being completely dishonest with everyone in my life–especially myself. After my second, and final discharge from this particular treatment center (and thus far my final treatment all together) I was reminded of how I tried to be “perfect” at recovery, but that it is a process that happens to be not perfect at all. I have been consistently doing quite well for a good chunk of time and my mind is now relatively “free” of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors. This is tricky however because (this is where the imperfect stuff comes in) once in a blue moon I get these random, fleeting eating disordered thoughts. Nowadays it’s different though because I have a new set of skills, tools, and an amazing support system to use to combat those creepy, sneaky thoughts. So generally if and when I do get these old thoughts I am easily able to combat them on my own rather quickly or I can quickly and easily access someone who can somehow offer me support and help talk me through the situation. However, even I don’t ALWAYS win. Once in a while that sneaky creep of an eating disorder gets the best of me and I do something that surprises (and sometimes frightens me for a second or two). Here is the latest incident that happened so that you can have an idea of what it was and how I handled it. Wednesday night I went to my parent’s house to drop my daughter off so that I could go to my home group meeting. As I breezed through my dad so kindly paper-plated me a couple pieces of the pizza that they were having and sent me running. I got in my Jeep and headed down the road, took a bite of pizza, and then rolled down the window and tossed it all out the window as I was zooming down the dark county roads. Instantly I felt guilt, remorse, and shame. It was totally a habit of my former self, and an incredibly ingrained habit at that. So then instead of berating myself for my actions and behaviors I said, “Alright superwoman32, what is the next right thing?” I continued on to the next town, stopped immediately at a gas station and picked pizza AND added in the dessert that I was also in need of. I got back on the road, but this time I did not toss the food out the window–I ate ALL of it! The whole ordeal actually kind of shocked me, but I got through it quickly and easily. See, you really can teach an old dog new tricks! So this is where I shall end for today. Recovery is NOT perfect in any sense of the word, but it is a great place to be. I honestly wouldn’t wish to be anywhere but where I am today–and especially not in the “loving” arms of my all too familiar friend–my eating disorder. My challenge for you is to just allow yourself to be “perfectly imperfect”. I dare you to give it a whirl and see what happens…
